Sex in Dating and Reconnecting With Your Ex – Will it Help Or Do Damage?

Sex always seems to be a dilemma for many women, partly because of societal dictation that views sexual women as against the norm (which can’t be further from the truth). You know the saying: If he can get the milk for free, why buy the cow? I will discuss this in general terms first before we delve into the subject of sex during the reconnecting phase with your ex.

You know the rule of not having sex with a guy till 3rd or 5th (or put the number here) date? It just doesn’t seem to matter with me. Actually the last 2 long term relationships I had including the one with my husband (9 years and 8 years), we had sex the first time we met. So I’m not sure about that rule.

I’ve always had a strong connection with guys with whom the physical attraction was so instant and it usually grew into something more than just sexual (some of them became my very good friends). I think as long as you are confident in yourself and value yourself, men can feel it and it doesn’t take away the attraction from you one bit just because you’ve had sex with them. With me it’s always the opposite, they are attracted to me exactly because of my strong sexuality, among other things. If the chemistry is strong, it doesn’t matter on which date you have sex with them, they will want to be with you nevertheless. And the other way around, if he feels lukewarm about you, even after waiting to have sex, he will drift away eventually.

I’m not advocating to be promiscuous. I’m just saying that sex can mean different things to different people, and depending on circumstances it can help or not help. I just don’t see it a major factor on men deciding to pursue you, though a lot of people seem to think so. It’s not the case in my experience. Just do whatever feels comfortable/right to you. And maybe in the end, it boils down to whether or not you want to be with a guy who thinks negatively about a sexual woman like that? I won’t be attracted to him in the first place, I think.

It may not work every woman but being relaxed about sex works for me. And as such I’m not fixing things that ain’t broke. I’m following my instinct when it comes to this. The key is not to expect relationship just because you have had sex with him. I never did and as such the men stick around if I let them to. I had sex because I wanted it and it organically blossomed into something deep. And it’s not difficult for me because “love at first sight” doesn’t work for me. It takes me a while to feel for someone and after a lot of sex:D.

I think the difference is whether or not you feel comfortable with your own sexuality. And I always have. I didn’t expect a relationship just because we have had sex (often strictly sexual relationship is fun and worth it for its own sake). A few I didn’t intend to see again after that one time sex. A few other times it was the guy who wanted to be serious with me while I wasn’t interested (yes, the situation is sometimes reversed, believe it or not).

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A lot of women get too emotionally intense after sex; that is what scares men off. If you continue having sex with a guy without the burden of having to commit soon, a deeper connection may actually take place. As I said, some of my really good male friends are those of my former sex-buddies. Men bond through sex, while women generally need to feel close to have sex. And it explains why a deeper connection can happen after a casual relationship.

I tend to go for something to grow organically. When it happens, it happens. When it doesn’t, ah well… then move on to a greener pasture. My experience has been that if you have a strong chemistry with a man, he won’t stop seeing you just because you had sex on the first date. I think the ability to relax and enjoy sex for just the sensual pleasure it brings actually projects an appealing allure of a Goddess to many men. They find it incredibly sexy and powerful.

I think both ways can work depending on your attitude and personality. If you are not sure, don’t do it because it will show. Waiting may be best for you. But with me, without sounding too boastful, I feel my sexuality has always been the main factor that attracts men to me. And no, I don’t mean it in “trying too much to be sexy/seductive” kinda way. It’s just a part of the “whole package” with me. My husband in fact loves that sexual part of me so much. He finds it such a turn on. So it works for me!

I don’t have sex right away with every man I met/dated of course. Many I never did and never will.

I think the problem is a lot of women think ahead of themselves, like if you have sex with him it’s necessarily you want to be with him and he might turn you down. No, you can’t sell yourself short like that. You own your sexuality, you get to decide too…not only him. And I have proven it that having sex after certain number of dates have nothing whatsoever to do whether or not he’s going to chase you. I got to turn them down too ’cause I wasn’t interested in anything more than just a casual relationship.

As I said, if you don’t feel comfortable about it, then don’t do it. If you want to wait because it feels right to you, hell yes then you have to wait. I totally understand why you feel that way. And he absolutely has to respect that. I have in the recent past dated a guy 4-5 times and didn’t have sex with him at all. We women have the first say when we want to have sex, so the power is with us. And he can’t take that power away unless we let him.

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But my last 2 long term relationships are proof enough that the “golden rule” is not an absolute thing. I have known other couples who had sex right away too. So I guess what I want to make you understand is: Don’t delay sex just because you think it will make him want to commit to you. Do it because you feel it’s safest for you emotionally.

Another argument is, because men are hunters, it’s appealing for them to be challenged to prove they’re worthy of bedding you which is valid enough apart from, again, there is no guarantee he will keep chasing you once the waiting period is complete. How many men disappear from a woman’s life after she waited so long to have sex?

When it feels right, the sex could only help. When it doesn’t feel right, no amount of sex or lack thereof would make him want to chase you. So I don’t think we can generalize one way or another. And actually a guy gets to know more of you too when you’re seeing him, with or without sex…and those other things BESIDE THE SEX that will make them attracted to you and want to be with you. You need to have that “je ne sais quois” to make him want to pursue you (which is different with every man), and remember it works the other way around too! Waiting to have sex is only important when you feel it is important.

Just my.02 worth.

Now in reconciliation, I think, depending on your circumstances (nature of relationship/breakup and your ex’s personality/history) sex can help: it recreates bond between you and your man. It will become an issue when you feel the sex serves him more than it does you, and when that happens it’s totally advisable for you to cease all sexual contacts. Then perhaps it’s time to set a deadline: some men need that because when they’re comfortable in an arrangement, they’re not motivated to make a move/change.

So yes it takes a strategy to reconcile with your ex. It’s a delicate balance you have to navigate, especially when you have to keep your own emotions in check.

The important part is to keep the drama to the minimum. A little bit of argument is good though, ’cause it shows that a relationship is real and it actually spices it up as well. Avoidance of conflict altogether only will create a time bomb and it’s not recommended. It’s about training your man on what works for you and what doesn’t. Remember, even you’re the one who seems more eager to reconcile, you need to set the tone of the relationship so it works for both of you better the second time around.


by Katarina Phang