Can you possibly imagine the peace, serenity, happiness and harmony you could experience in a relationship when two people focus on giving only and not receiving? When they have no expectations from their partner? If you have read Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, you are familiar with what he believes are the 5 things people want or need to feel loved.
Although I agree with his 5 behaviors I believe there are several others so I would like to give you his five and then 7 of my own that I have learned over the years. Please keep in mind that no matter how many of these you perform or demonstrate in your relationship that if you fail to give your partner the one or ones they need to feel loved, no matter how many you do, these will all be in vain. However, if you consistently perform or give your partner the one they need to feel truly loved and you add a few on top of that just imagine…
Here are Chapman’s five.
-Acts of service.
-Words of affirmation
From my personal experience, I can tell you, that in relationships I have done all five for a partner and yet they still seemed to lack the feelings that they were loved. I’m not suggesting that Chapman is wrong, only that I think there might be more to the expression and acceptance of unconditional love. I am not going to explain these further, read his book. But here are my seven additions.
1 – To be desired. Regardless of age, physical characteristics or attitudes I believe to feel loved one needs to know that no matter what, they are desired emotionally and physically. I am not just talking here about sex or intimacy but the ability to get excited every time your beloved walks into a room no matter how they are dressed or how they feel.
2 – A safe emotional environment. The ability to express fears, concerns, desires, wants, needs, goals and frustration in an emotionally safe environment without the concern for retribution, criticism, judgment or disapproval is vital for an open and honest relationship. It is common knowledge that women are better listeners than men and that men are less comfortable showing their emotions but in the end if you want your partner to feel loved, listen to him or her without judgment, ego or the need to control them emotionally.
3 – Romance. Just because you have been together more than eight months or thirty years doesn’t mean you can’t still have a romantic life outlook. I have been accused of being a hopeless romantic and not realistic about how relationships change over time. Sorry folks, you will never convince me that if a couple can’t stay ‘in love’ and show romance as the years pass.
4 – Appreciation and thoughtfulness. When I do something for you and you don’t notice or care, guess what? Sooner or later I’ll stop doing them or I will start doing them for someone else. A great book by Evatt, Givers and Takers is a great read if you want to understand the importance of appreciation and thoughtfulness and its impact on your partner, especially if they are givers and you are a taker.
5 – Anticipation of their needs, wants and desires. When your partner is under stress, worried, or not feeling physically 100% the ability to anticipate their needs says a great deal about how ell you now them, love them and care.
6 – Support for their beliefs, goals and life purpose. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship when your partner is more concerned about their career or personal needs than those of their partner. Everyone sooner or later has a dream. Failure to support or believe in your partner’s goals or dreams will, over time, tend to create emotional distance between you.
7 – Validation. This is one of my favorites. Read Carter’s book, Nasty People. Invalidation is when you don’t listen, you interrupt your partner are always late for meetings or activities with them etc. Invalidation occurs every day in every relationship. But I will tell you, continue to invalidate your partner and sooner or later I don’t care how many of the above you do with passion and love, they will soon come to feel or believe that they are not important to you.
Well there you have it, my seven additions. How would you rate yourself and your partner on the 12?