How to Interrogate Terrorists – Colonoscopy

The Bush administration obviously lacks true out-of-the-box thinkers. There is an absolutely creative way to get the truth out of captured terrorists. It surely is not prohibited by the Geneva Conventions or any US laws. In fact, it is doing something positive for the overly silent suspect; it is giving them a sophisticated medical procedure designed as an early detection measure for colon cancer. It is highly unlikely that terrorists have had the good fortune to have had a colonoscopy and so we would be performing a terrific service at no cost to them. Let me amplify.

The day before you get a colonoscopy you are told to follow a regime to completely clean out your entire intestinal system. This is extremely important, because the physician must have a very clean set of internal passages if even the smallest inklings of cancer are to be seen through the ingenious devices inserted into your body. The day before the procedure I could not eat any solid foods whatsoever. I could only drink clear liquids.

But the best feature of this regime is to take what seems like a pretty small amount of an over the counter substance called phosphate soda – just 1.5 fluid ounces in a half a glass of clear liquid. For those that have never had the pleasure of taking this “oral saline laxative” let me explain. Think of the most foul tasting hard to swallow liquid that somehow has come from a distant planet inhabited by sentient beings totally unlike human beings. No matter what you mix it with you cannot escape this material’s absolutely unique taste and consistency. The first sip is shockingly difficult. Following sips only get more challenging. I started to think about a new way for interrogating terrorists while drinking this concoction. It helped. A little.

After finally finishing this initial promoter of colon cleansing you must drink four more full glasses of clear liquid during the next three hours. This is more difficult than you might first think. Why? Because in about an hour after you have taken the first dose of the phosphate soda you will be hurrying – probably running – to the nearest toilet. To imagine the experience I suggest you picture in your mind one of the world’s very large dams – like the Hoover Dam outside Las Vegas, Nevada, or those really big ones in China and Egypt. Now also imagine that there is some magical spigot that technicians can remotely open completely very suddenly. Unimaginable billions of gallons of water behind the dam want to emerge very quickly. Your anus will be such an opening. Phosphate soda seems to have some unique capabilities. It quickly turns whatever you have consumed into a high pressure stream of fluid.

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Now for the even better news. In the subsequent hours, as you consume more and more clear fluid, you will be experiencing many, many openings of your own personal anal dam valve. All this will be taking place many hours after you have stopped eating any solid foods whatsoever. Think of yourself becoming progressively hungry, weak and totally evacuated.

It is as if some ingenious person has figured out a way to connect a hose to a fire hydrant and feed it directly into your gut, and then opened the hydrant up repeatedly. Talk about a terrorist suspect spilling their guts!

Now tell me, can’t you imagine the impact of this experience on a stubborn, silent terrorist?

And all this is being done for his or her benefit – to prepare for a medically esteemed procedure to detect at the earliest possible stage colon cancer.

But you are thinking: Sorry, this sounds awful but a proud terrorist will be able to suffer the discomfort and indignities of all this colon cleansing. Well, there’s more coming. Some hours after the first phosphate dose and subsequent drinking guess what comes next?

You have to take a second 1.5 fluid ounces of phosphate soda in clear liquid followed by several glasses of clear liquid. Still, you have eaten no solid food whatsoever. You are thinking, after many, many trips to the toilet, what could there be possibly left inside my body to be cleaned out. Well, physicians don’t want to take any chances. So you must muster the courage to swallow yet another seemingly infinite amount of phosphate soda – and trust me it does not matter what flavor it has or what liquid you put it into. You are now ready for the ultimate unplugging of the largest dam on the planet.

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You still are skeptical? You still think that the terrorist will not reveal all secrets? Well, there is one more opportunity. The next stage the next day is the colonoscopy itself. This is when the physician and staff prepare to insert into your rectum what seems like the equivalent of the entire Alaska oil pipeline. A lot of sophisticated medical tubular technology allowing the doctor to see and cut out stuff, if necessary, must travel very long distances up and through your large and small intestines.

The medical community recognizes our trepidations about having all this endoscopic hardware inserted and manipulated through our bodies. So you will receive intravenous sedation for the procedure. The stated goal is to prevent the patient from having any recall or discomfort during the procedure.

But why should we feel any need to give sedation to a terrorist that is receiving this wonderful cancer prevention and detection procedure for free?

I say we let the terrorist lay on the table looking at all the endoscopic equipment that will be inserted into their body and have awhile to think about experiencing the procedure without any sedation. “If you answer all our questions truthfully we will delay this procedure,” is what they should be told.

And should they still remain silent and uncooperative, then after they receive the entire examination without sedation they are told that to ensure that they do not have colon cancer they will be going through the entire soda phosphate-unsedated colonoscopy experience every few weeks.

I really see this approach to interrogation as much more civilized than all the terrible torture techniques we have heard about. It’s worth trying. And remember even if it is discovered that the terrorist really has colon cancer, they can be given the choice of telling all they know or NOT having their detected colon cancer treated.

No matter what, I still believe in colonoscopies. I’ve had two. Everyone should muster the courage and have one because they really have reduced deaths by colon cancer.


by Joel Hirschhorn