Some of the emails that I receive come from wives who’s husband’s have either directly said (or have told them with their actions and their avoidance) that they no longer love their wives. These words cut more deeply than never any other phrase could. And sometimes, but not always, that’s the point of your husband saying them.
Still, the words can be so shocking that some wives have no idea how to respond or what to do now. Sometimes, the reaction is hurt and other times, the wives are filled with anger and are tempted to become defensive or to go into self preservation mode. The following article is meant to offer tips to the wives who find themselves in the situation of hearing those extremely hurtful and loaded words that imply or directly state: “I just don’t love you anymore.” It hurts me even to type them. Perhaps in this instance they’ve been said to someone else. But I’ve also heard them myself and I know how they stop you in your tracks and can completely derail the life you thought you knew.
Look At The Context In Which Your Husband Is Telling You That He No Longer Loves You: As I alluded to, many times, the husband is trying to get a dramatic reaction out of you. Many times, this phrase is said in the heat of an argument or as the direct result of the husband attempting to retaliate against the wife for something he perceived she did.
If this is the case, you may consider taking these words with a grain of salt as he was likely just lashing out or attempting to hurt you. Sometimes when I tell wives this they will respond with something like: “Actually, I think the fact that he got so emotional meant that the truth finally came out.” There may or may not be a grain of truth in this, but if you allow this theory to cause you to just give up on your marriage or husband or to accept what may or may not be true, then you very well could be selling yourself short.
Occasionally, I hear from the husband in this scenario. Many times, they easily admit that they really do love their wives and their claim of the opposite was just an attempt to get their wife to pay attention so that hopefully things would change for the better. In other words, they are trying to scare the desired reaction out of her. Maybe they are too rushed or don’t have the communication skills to sit down with you and discuss their need for change or improvement rationally, so they hope one cruel and effective phrase is going to do this job for them.
Often, What Your Husband Has Said Is A Reflection On His Feelings About The Marriage (Or About Other Issues In His Life) Rather Than A Reflection On How He Really Feels About You: Usually, If you dig deeply in this situation, you’ll find frustration or disappointment somewhere in the mix. A husband who is satisfied with his life is not usually a husband who is going to blurt out that he longer loves his wife. Most of the time, when I dig deeper into the situation, I almost always find that either the marriage is undergoing stress or there is some sort of stessor in the couple’s lives that hasn’t been (or can’t be) fully addressed.
What you usually have is sort of the perfect storm for the couple to say or do hurtful things to one another or to feel disappointed or stressed out about some area of their life. Consider that the words are just a reflection of this rather than being the truth. Many times, when a husband says he doesn’t love you anymore, what he’s really saying is that he’s not all that thrilled with how the marriage isn’t buffering him from life’s stresses in the way that it used to. It’s highly likely that he’s either disappointed with his marriage or with some other area of his life. So, he projects this onto his feelings about you, even if this isn’t all that accurate.
People typically don’t “fall out of love” overnight or as the direct result of a stressful situation. So, if they’re claiming that they have, they are sometimes trying to get your attention and are offering a silent plea (even if they don’t realize it) for you to sympathize, pay attention, and make some improvements or gestures that lightens their load.
What To Do When Your Husband Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore: I find that the wives who hear these words generally have one of several possible reactions. Some are angry and are tempted to respond with something like: “Well the feeling is mutual because I don’t love (or like) you anymore either.”
Some wives respond with hurt or denial. An example is something like: “Please don’t even say that. Because if you don’t love me, that means we must eventually get a divorce and that’s not what I want. I can’t even bear the thought of that.”
Other wives will just sort of shut down as though injured and will sort of check out of the marriage as a means of protecting their emotional selves. They may well hope that things blow over and work themselves out, but they sort of approach their marriage with a sense of detachment because they don’t want to be hurt in this way again.
Neither of these responses is in the best interest of the wife. Typically, what is in the wife’s best interest is to try not to take these words to heart, to consider their context, and then to use them as inspiration to take the action that has likely inspired them in the first place. It’s very unfortunate that you ever had to hear these words. But, don’t allow one hurt to blend into another. If you can use this as a springboard to make the changes that are really needed, then at least some good can come out of this.
Husbands who say these types of hurtful things to their wives have generally reached a point of high frustration. So while your husband may not literally mean what he’s said, you can be pretty sure that he’s at least frustrated and hoping for change so much that he stooped to the negative in this situation. Yes, it’s easy to retaliate and withdraw just out of spite. But this doesn’t do anything to make either of you more happy within your life and within your marriage. There’s nothing wrong with telling him that what he has said has hurt you and to ask him not to lash out in that way again, but don’t allow this to get you to stoop to that level or to allow it to further deteriorate your marriage.
You will often have to ask yourself what you really want. For most wives, it’s that their husband actually still loves them. You are more likely to get that outcome if you make some direct changes for the better rather than responding negatively, as tempting as that might be. At least give this method a chance. What is the worst thing that can happen? Either you will see the changes and improvements that you are hoping for or your husband will continue to repeat or imply that he doesn’t love you. But at least at that point, (which I find to be somewhat rare since the husband would be getting more of what he ultimately wants) you would know that you did what you could.